I just want to make it very clear that I do not endorse the upcoming documentary about my life, made by that curly haired boy with the dirty hat and the little lizard girl with the bulging eyes. Those two leeches followed me around for a week and told me that they were scanning me for cancerous diseases. They took full advantage of me, knowing full well I am unfamiliar with your silly non-magical technologies. How was I to know that was a camera they were toting around??
First of all, the trailer, which was posted to the YooToob this morning. Where do I even begin??? The title. LONELY Santa??? Who says I'm lonely?? I've got like a hundred and fifty friends on Facebook. And like 500 followers on the Tweeter. Does that sound like a lonely guy?? I don't think so. And that car-toon at the start is totally unrepresentative of my life. I don't wear this red get-up when I'm delivering presents. Do you think I'd be able to sneak around, all lit up like a traffic light? Hells naw. This red suit is for ceremonial functions only. Photo ops and whatnot. I'm like a Mountie. When I'm delivering gifts, I wear black lycra and kevlar with night-vision goggles. I also carry a semi-automatic dart gun and a taser so as to disable any angry dogs who may get in my way. I'm not about propagating stereotypes and I'm putting an end to that one right now.
What next?? Oh yes... the weeping. Of course that has been taken completely out of context and used to make me look like a sad and lonely fool. When really, I was crying tears of elation because Dave and I happened to be watching the 1994 re-make of Miracle on 34th Street (which is far superior to the original, in my personal opinion), and Santa was just cleared of all those nasty insanity charges.
I would like to point out to those little urchins who made this film without my knowledge that I do not remember signing any kind of release form and I will be involving my elfish lawyers just as soon as the divorce proceedings with Mrs. Claus have all been sorted out. I'm sueing your asses for SLANDER.
So I implore all of you... BOYCOTT LONELY SANTA!!! It's all POPPYCOCK and FLIM FLAM!! Those children usurped my Christmas spirit and good will and used me to make an exploitative piece of Christmas garbage that will damange my squeaky clean reputation and taint Christmas forever for all the girls and boys who believe in me. SO DON'T WATCH IT!!!
santa...PISSED.
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ReplyDeleteI thought the trailer on YouTube was rather well done. Mr Claus, you're gona be huge; with your name in lights!
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