Well it's almost Christmas and I'm about to high-tail it to Mexico. What does this mean for you? It means that while you're all sitting around your plastic tree on Christmas morning, basking in the blinking illumination of your cheap dollar store chirstmas lights, sullenly wondering why your presents didn't come this year, IIIIIIIIII will be lying on the beach drinking hot milk with kaluha, munching on Dave's magic cookies, chuckling to myself while my new mama cita, a Colombian girl named Carolina, lathers me with sunscreen.
"What naughty deed did we do to deserve NOTHING, Santa?"
I'm glad you asked! And I'm glad to tell you that the worst naughtiness a person can commit is doing nothing. You all sat in front of your computers and laughed while I wallowed in my misery. For years you reaped the benefits of my jolliness and yet shunned me in my time of need. Well now I know where your allegiances lie. You will never hear of me again. I have shaved off my beard, coloured my hair, I apply several bottles of self-tanner each morning, and I have worked off the potbelly through a strict work-out regiment and low-carb diet. I no longer have any affiliation with the Santa Claus corporation. It is now held in trust by that heartless devil woman Helen Claus who I'm sure will run it into the ground before easter rolls around.
So this is the end. To all of you who watched every LONELY SANTA episode and sent it to your friends, you will each receive a postcard from Mexico.
santa...OUT...forrealzzzz.
(DISCLAIMER: postcard may take 6 to 8 years to arrive.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment